Thursday, October 25, 2018

I Love Myself

written by Chakriya PHOU

When someone says 'love me', I hate them immediately. Why? Because I never believe there is anyone loves me more than I do. Only I, truly love, biggest love and never give up myself. Only ME!

My parents ever said they loved me so much. In the book also stated that no love was true as love of parents to the child, but I did not believe. Even though they loved me, but their love was smaller than my love to myself. I am pretty sure.

I did not believe my mother loved me more than loved herself.  
She likes to say that I usually spoke non-sense. She said I talked too much. She said she did not want to talk with me because I said something useless and she did not want to hear my voice. When she told me problem, I gave advice. My mother said my advice was stupid. But when my sister said, the same word as mine, my mother applauded her.
Talking about my father, he said that he was lucky he had me as daughter. I aske ‘Why?’ He replied that because I helped housework.
When I wanted to go out, he stopped me. He said no one at home; he stated I was a girl so I had to stay at home. 
But my brother and sister could go out. I questioned him why. He replied that it was because I was the eldest.
So according to his word, I was born to be the house maid or house guarder. My brother could go out and came back home after 12am. My sister could go out anytime she wanted; she just informed was enough. Me, my father and mother gave order that I could not leave home and I would become a good daughter if I stayed at home 24 hours per day, 7 days per week and 30 days per month.

Looking to my siblings. My brother and sister behaved like they cared much about me, but in fact, they needed cook; they needed maid; they needed someone to be their goat sheep. They scolded me; they said I was the useless in the house; they talked sweetly to me when they had problem and wanted me to help them.

Outsider might think that my family loved me so much, but they were not; they were afraid if I died, no one would serve them. 

When they were not happy, they came to me. When they wanted to do something, they asked for my advice or comment. When they succeeded, they said it was their effort and I was the stupid. 

If I had problem and I went to them, they looked down on me. They blamed me. They said they would not help because I might be the one caused the problem so I should solve it by myself. 
I felt upset with my family. I went to friends, but they were not different.

They liked to ask me to follow them. If I refused, they said I was strong head. They said I should take other advice. 
If I followed them and something went wrong, they said they just gave advice, they were not responsible for the result.
When I helped them, I never talked about it; I never asked them to remember; I never reminded them; I never said I needed they to pay me back. But if I asked for their help, they noted it and reminded me that I had to pay them back.
If they borrowed me money, I did not mind, they could pay me back anytime and I did not take interest. But if I borrowed their money, I had to give them interest and they made deadline for me to pay them back.

I said to the heaven that human was bad and I could not love or trust human anymore. The heaven said that I was wrong. So I decided to bet with heaven and I did one more test.
I decided to do one thing. I wanted to prove especially to myself that I was correct. 
I met a man. He liked me. Since the first day, I felt he was not good man, but my friends said that I was lucky if I got married with him. I told them I felt he was bad man. My friends said I should trust my feeling. 
No one believed me and pushed me to marry him. 
I brought him to my family. They said he was good man and I should marry him. I told them about my feeling and they said I was crazy.
I decided to get married. Like I mentioned above, I wanted to prove that human was bad and I could not trust anyone besides of myself.
Yes, I was correct. He was like a fox hidden claws. He almost dragged me to hell but I was smart enough to protect myself. I got divorce after 4 months and from  that day, I was pretty sure the only person I could trust is myself. 
I was alone. When I had any problem, I solved it alone. 
It was a good life. I liked to stay in my room writing, watching comedy, movie or song video etc. 
Sometimes, I went to sing Karaoke. People might find it weird to sing alone but I really loved it.

My experience has changed me to such person. I think, I consider, I search a lots before I believe on someone, but I believe them only 40%. Even a sentence in the book, I do research long time to find prove. 

After I divorce, I met a man. Actually, he was good man. He loved me truly. I knew, but I could not convince myself to believe in his love. The past has replaced my heart. I could keep only myself in the heart, no one could stay in it. At last, we fell apart.

I know it was not fair to him but I love myself more than anyone. I do everything to make me happy. I do everything to bring me good and brighten future. I do everything to make me living in full, peace and harmony. It is the truth; I do everything for myself because I love me. No one can replace me in my heart.

To human, you cannot blame me. This is because of you. If all of you treat me well, I will treat you well too; but you do not because you are like me; you love yourself; therefore, I am not wrong if I love myself. According to the law of nature, when you are not good to me, I will not good to you.

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