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Monday, March 18, 2019

How I Become A Porn Star


written & image designed by Chakriya PHOU

Living as a porn star, how many people give value?

I was a young girl, pretty and charm. I had close friends, pretty girls.
There were boys around us like bees flying around flowers. In classroom, on the way home. They followed us. It was proud of being a girl.
I enjoyed my youth life. I did not know the dark cloud was coming to my life. I did not realize that my beauty and charming made my friend jealous.
One of my friends, made trick. She lured me to birthday party. She gave me drink. Then I became unconscious. When I awoke, I stayed on bed, guesthouse room, naked. I realized I was raped.
I cried and I left the guesthouse. I did not tell anyone. I did not go to school. I was scared and I did not know what to do.
Few days later, my feeling was calmed down. I thought no one knew and I did not think she was dare to talk or come to school. I swore to be strong and behaved normally. One hundred percents, no one knew and no one would find out if I did not say.
I went to school. I heard she was changed to another school. I was released. I thought the dark cloud was moving from my life but it became darker and darker.
Sunday morning, I was sleeping in my room. My father opened the door and grabbed my hand, pulled me from bed to down stair. The family was shock. He pointed to me and scolded me:
'Bitch, I raised you hard. How can you ruin my heart? How can you ruin my honor?'
He slapped me.
My ex-friend, she was evil. When I was raped, I was taken video. The video was put online and my father saw it by accident.
'Get out of my house. I have no daughter. You are not part of this family anymore. Don't show me your face.'
I was expelled from the house. I cried and walked away. I walked. Walked. Walked. I had no where to go. I had no ended point.
Under the sky, I stood. Before me was river. It was noon time but the sky was grey. No sun light. The wind was blowing. It became stronger and stronger.
I looked at the river. It seemed it was calling me. 'Come here. It is safe and peaceful place.' My heart was frozen. How could my life became such miserable? What did I do wrong? I wanted to go to live in water.
A woman walked pass me. She was telephoning.
'Why you put all blame on me? I did not do that. I did not know. It is not my fault. I was cheated. They lied me. They cheated me. Why you don't blame them? Why is it my fault? I won't accept it. It is not my fault at all. I will not die. I will not feel shame. They, the cheater, should be the one who feel a shame. I will live longer and will live happily.'
Her speech awoke me. Yes, why should I die? Why should I cry? I was lured. I did not do such shame thing. I was tricked.
I left the river and continued walking. Well, I had still no place to go. The lunch time was passed and I had no food since morning. My stomach was crying. I wanted to go home to meet with my mother but I was afraid of father so I decided not to go near the house.
I walked through main streets. I walked on small streets. My head was down. Walked and walked. What was that? 100 Riels on the road. I picked it up. A head of me, another 100 Riels. I picked it up. Before me, along the road, there were 100 Riels. No one touched it because they believed it brought good luck. Even the garbage workers, the beggars, they hated the money.
In Cambodia, if there was someone died, when they carried them to the grave, the family members throw rice mixed with money, 100 Riels, along the way. The money for ghost, no one needed it, but it helped me. I got 1500 Riels. I was happy. There was a market nearby, I knew it. The food selling on the street, restaurant for motordub and cyclo drivers. A plastic of rice cost 500 Riels, food started from 1000 Riels up. I could choose.
I full my stomach. Then I continued walking.
The sun was nearly set now. Where should I stay?
As the dark covered the earth, I began to fear. I imagined that I was walking and I met with drunker and they would rape me. I was afraid of such imagination. What should I do?
I arrived at the sky-bridge. My feet were painful. I sat under the bridge. I was thirsty but I did not remain money to buy water. I sat. I looked at the street. Vehicles made the street crowded. Then it became silent and silent. The night replaced the day. I sat alone under the bridge. I wanted to sleep but I was afraid I would be harmed by the stranger.
I tried hard to defeat the sleepy. I had to be awake to protect myself. I found a rock and kept it close.
The street was silent.
A family of beggar, parents and 5 kids, arrived and set camp near me. The wife looked at me. I stared at them then I turned back. My hand touched the rock. I prepared myself.
A kid came to me. He said, 'My parents call you to eat with us.'
I looked at them. The wife showed me the rice and waved hand calling me. I walked toward them. They shared me food and water. It could not full my stomach but at least, it was better than starving.
I lived under the bridge for days. I became one member of that beggar family. In the morning, I went to search to pick up ghost money and bought food and drink. They went to their destination and came back in the evening to share food. Sometimes, they got much more than me. Sometimes, I got much.
Living under the bridge, I saw everything at late night. The robber pointed gun to motor driver. Car and motor crashed each other. The female ghost waited and called Tuk Tuk to drive her home etc.
My heart was frozen more and more, harder and harder. I felt no pain. The idea came into my mind, I wanted to go to Japan.
The morning came. I went to see my sister secretly. I told her I wanted to borrow her phone. I told her I had a plan to live by my own. My sister helped me. She gave me phone and she told parents she lost it. She changed the sim-card and put money for me. She gave me some money. I went to quiet place to take photo of myself. My sister gave me her cloth, T-shirt and short pants. I took sexy photos. Then I checked address of JAV company and sent those photos to them. I wrote in message that I wanted to be JAV idol.
I was sure, they would accept me and of course, they replied with positive answer. I went to ask help from my sister again. I told her I got job in Japan and I needed money to buy flight ticket to go there. My sister asked what was job but I did not tell her. She agreed to help me. I did not know where she got money from, I promised I would pay her back.
I took photo of beggar family before I left. I would not forget them. When I became success, I would help them.
It was crazy idea to cross ocean to become porn star. I did not know why I made such decision but I was glad with my decision.
I arrived at Narita airport. I have been to abroad when I stayed with my parents, so I had no fear to travel alone.
I went direct to the company via address I got from email. I met with the person in charge. They asked me to sign the contract. They told me the rule. I did not care they were cheating or taking benefit from me, I just knew that I wanted to become a star.
I changed name to Samantha. After taking shower, make up, dress on, my beauty and charming appeared. Look at myself in the mirror, I thanked to my mother that gave birth to me. The pretty daughter.
It was not easy to take off cloth in front of camera but I was determined, nothing could stuck my way.
The first film was released and I was famous. The customers was glad with my figure. The company prepared my second film.
First payment was not much but I did not care because I could have food and place to stay. I did not stay under the bridge anymore. It was enough for me.
Months passed. I saved and could send money to my sister to pay her back. She asked about my life. I told her. She was shock.
'What are you doing? Why you do that? Are you insane? Why you do that? Are you not a shame?'
'I have nothing to feel a shame. I before was dead already. Now, I am a new person. I am Samantha, JAV idol.'
My sister cried. She scolded me a lot. I understood her feeling. I was sorry that I made her painful.
Later, she could see. Faith. She accepted. She told me that mother would like to meet me. I let her calling me.
'Alo.' I spoke.
Silent. But I knew she was listening to me.
'Mum, don't worry. I am fine. I live in a flat. It is small but it is very cute. I have food. I have salary. People working with me are good to me. I live happily, mum.'
I heard she sobbing. My heart was broke into pieces. My tears fall down my face. I tried to cover my crying, not to let her hearing.
I had to find way or she would cry forever. I told her.
'Mum, I have to go now. My boss is calling me. I will call you next time. Take care mum.'
Then I heard she said Hmm. I switched off the phone and I cried. It was really painful when I heard my mother crying. How could we become like this?
Even though, nothing could change. It moved forwards. I stayed in Japan as porn star. I did not know that Cambodian saw my film or not. I did not know my family saw it or not. I did not want to know. Like I said, I was Samantha, JAV idol.
I still remembered the beggar family. I sent photo to my sister and asked her to give money I sent to them.
I could not forget my country. My sister and her friends built up an NGO. I supported fund. They instructed poor people a skill to earn money. They brought kids to school. We could not help all. We helped as we could.
The sun set. I was standing on grass field. Waiting for my turn to film.

Note : The story is imagination of the author. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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